Tag: education

Needs, Skills and the Emotional Tool Box

selfdiscoverly

When I first began my spiritual journey–what I would eventually rename my self-discovery journey–there was a LOT of knowledge and wisdom that I gained that I didn’t previously possess. Things like understanding that needs are different than wants, unconditional love is not codependency love, masking is not authenticity, there are laws that govern our world that we can gain insight into, tap into and use for our own personal growth and probably the biggest insights are the ones I’ll discuss today. I discovered that it is our met needs, skill set and Emotional Tool Box that truly define whether we survive or thrive. The less needs, skills and tools we have in our Emotional Tool Box, the more we will struggle to cope, manage stress and have healthy relationships with ourselves and others.

NEEDS

What if I told you that every time we react, snap, lose our patience, feel resentment, become angry, worry, panic, or otherwise lose our ability to manage our emotions it is because one or more of our needs is not or has not been met? What if I told you whether we are neurodivergent or neurotypical, disabled or not disabled that unmet needs are the cause of all suffering. If a neurodivergent person melts down, it my be because their need for sensory balance was not met and their meltdown is the effect of not having sensory balance and not having sensory balance before the meltdown is the result of both the neurodivergent AND their environment not having this understanding or ability to accommodate it. It is often our beliefs about our involvement in the support needs of others that also causes us to react. Instead of admitting that we are the wrong person for the job, we repeatedly attempt to meet needs we cannot meet. And in our defense, we live in a society where we do not have a paradigm in place that enables people to pick up the phone and say that they are the wrong person for the job and need assistance. 

Needs are things that we cannot live without. The more needs we have met, the more we thrive. The less needs we have met, the more we become trapped in survival mode. Period. Needs are the defining factor in the degree of thriving we experience. It is my belief that the only way to shift our society’s current state is to acknowledge the necessity of meeting everyone’s needs. And this includes restructuring our entire social paradigm including family structures. 

Oftentimes, a family member is not capable of meeting child or partner’s need. Many needs require an outsider meeting the need. I’ve taught dance for over 30 years and can tell you that my ability to meet the needs of my students was something that their parents could not do. It was because of me and my passion for dance and dance education that my students not only got their needs met, but FELT their need being met from my LOVE of meeting that need! Needs are so much more than healthy drinking water, nutrition, hygiene, medical care, sleep and shelter. Unmet needs can be seen in any behavioral struggle, social degradation, relationship implosion and many mental illnesses. Where there is pain, there is an unmet need. 

Our current social paradigm illustrates its belief in what human needs are. These beliefs can be seen in our education system, in our capitalistically driven paradigm, in our corporate and financial systems and even in our judicial system. Our society holds a belief that best learning takes place in a curriculum-based classroom, that “go to school, get good grades, attend university and acquire a stamp of approval career with a 401K program” is the most acceptable path to follow and an eye for an eye continues to be the only way of justice. In one hundred years, we have not evolved at all in any of these areas. In spite of all the research and knowledge available to the contrary of wellness in these areas, these practices continue to rule our society. And simultaneously mental illness continues to increase. Furthermore, we continue to assume that in the home is where children will receive their emotional and social educations. We have no long term proven program in place to mediate any obvious absence observed in children. Instead, we simply label these children and set them on behavior management path or special education course instead of seeing that the child is simply presenting with the symptoms of unmet needs–that if someone capable of seeing the child clearly were to come in and perceive the child and propose an entirely different programming that after implementation, the child’s “symptoms” would disappear and an entirely new presentation would surface. We tend to categorize people while promoting inclusion and then deny that the very programming we have in place is contradictory. 

NEEDS REQUIRED TO THRIVE

Here is a list of examples of needs. Our needs should be NON-NEGOTIABLE in our society. We have enough understanding now to KNOW with high certainty that when needs are not met that destruction in some way is the result. Our current educational models are NOT capable of meeting everyone’s needs. Individual households are NOT capable of meeting everyone’s needs. (Most parents have yet to get their own needs met, let alone meet their children’s needs). The result of unmet needs can be seen in our crime, in wars, in corruption in high places, in pain and suffering, in skyrocketing poverty and more. Here is a starting point list to give you an idea of the scope and sequence of our needs.

  • Fresh air
  • Hygiene
  • Warmth
  • Clean drinking water
  • Connection
  • Companionship
  • Belonging
  • Exercise
  • Safety (Shelter and protection from harm)
  • Financial security (cash flow sufficient to meet basic needs)
  • Holistic education (emotional, social, cognitive, physical, spiritual, financial) this includes character development, emotional and social intelligence development, self-connection and self-care development, self-discovery and personal empowerment development, coping & stress management skills, critical thinking & higher ordering thinking skills & logic, etc. 
  • Wellness, nutrition & healthcare
  • Progress, growth & development
  • Functioning levels matching support needs (and individuals with the perception to see those functioning levels and support needs)
  • To be seen, heard, accepted, wanted, loved, known
  • Self-expression, voice, advocacy
  • Opportunity & experiences (specifically in areas of interest and natural talent to develop skills and tools which can be used to self-care and mature in one’s ability to transition to meeting own needs)
  • Nurturance
  • Healthy role models and guidance
  • Purpose, direction & fulfillment
  • Agency & freedom of choice as well as education in informed decision making
  • Interest, curiosity, desire & motivation (self-initiated learning is the only TRUE learning there is)
  • Healthy mindset
  • Integrity & authenticity (freedom and safety to be one’s self)
  • Healing
  • Healthy, safe living environment with emotional stability (including non-traumatic intervention)
  • Aspirations, goals, objectives
  • Faith & hope in something bigger than oneself
  • Life skills & life management skills
  • Joy

Suffering is often found in the absence of joy, hope or faith–in the doubt of security. 

SKILLS

Skills are defined in our society as the things we acquire along the way through a process of intention, repetition and application. There are basic skills that the majority of us possess (and too often take for granted) such as walking, talking, grasping with fingers, breathing, digesting, etc.) and then there are skills that get developped over time such as cleaning, cooking, mechanics, reading, computation, patience, tolerance, etc. The more skills we possess, the more opportunities we will have access to while the less skills we possess, the more limited we will be in opportunities. Our personal skills are the sum total of our aptitudes, abilities, knowledge, passion driven knowledge, special interest expertise, expertise, education, experiences, talents, gifts, developed talents & gifts, strengths, wisdom, vocational and professional training, life skills, character development, emotional intelligence, social intelligence, maturity, strength of character, and more. 

If I am a company seeking after digital marketing assistance, I am not looking at someone’s educational background or their list of past companies worked. Instead, what I am most interested in is their skills and success using that skill set. For example, how many other platforms have they built applying digital marketing and what was their success rate. It is skills that open doors for us, not education or human right. 

Society decides what skills are valuable. The sheer innocence and presence of an individual categorized as “severely disabled” is its own skill. To the person seeking to gain presence and free oneself of the constant thinking and worrying can benefit from spending time with someone seen in our society as “severely disabled.” Unfortunately, currently, our society does not value presence or innocence as much as productivity, commerce and materialism. This can be seen in the compensatory system of disability payment. 

The truth is, skills are the sum total of abilities we use to tell our stories. The most valuable skill we possess is our personal story–the raw and authentic experience we’ve had on this earth–the point of view only we possess. It is through this point of view that we can weigh programming to determine the effectiveness of it. Only once we can create programming that supports the needs of the all can we deem a system effective. And TRUE accommodations involve implementing the support need for all where they are at, providing a means to activate that voice and tell that person’s story and share that unique point of view as best we can. Therefore, the greatest skill a person can possess is the skill of consciousness and awareness–the ability to see clearly and witness the equal value in all living things and understand how each is interconnected, on how we need everyone and everything to truly understand the most important things like love, holistic wellness and individualized programming that wholly meets the needs of all. Only once everyone is moving forward can we all move forward. 

EMOTIONAL TOOL BOX

Not all of us are capable of understanding things like emotions and socialization. For those of us who are capable of understanding these things, it is us who need the Emotional Tool Box most. When we are unconscious of truth, we tend to suffer from disappointment, discouragement, doubt, fear, stress, overwhelm, regret, resentment, envy, etc. Truth would tell us that we are different than everyone around us including our parents and children. What we need is different to what they need which means that while they may need to have more educational opportunity and experiences, we may need more nurturance and emotional support. As we tune in to ourselves and our feelings we begin to discover what things we need and what absence of these things is causing in our lives. We gain insight into the necessity to prioritize meeting these needs. As we understand these things, we grow our Emotional Tool Box. With each struggle and challenge, we come out the other side with more knowledge, wisdom and understanding which simultaneously gives us better coping skills, stress management skills and emotional regulation. It is through the process of living that we increase our Emotional Tool Box and become aware of the importance of it. Here is a list of tools that should be in everyone’s Emotional Tool Box or in the Emotional Tool Box of those supporting someone who cannot meet these needs for themselves. 

EMOTIONAL TOOL BOX EXAMPLES

  • Emotional identification
  • Emotional management
  • Emotional processing
  • Social identification
  • Social management
  • Social processing
  • Coping skills
  • Stress management skills
  • Anger management skills
  • Self-reflection skills
  • Self-monitoring skills
  • Emotional regulation
  • Emotional independence
  • Inner security
  • Confidence
  • Self-worth
  • Self-value
  • Courage
  • Strength of character (temperance, patience, resilience, tolerance, understanding, acceptance, non-judgment, kindness, empathy, compassion, etc.)
  • Self-management
  • Self-governance
  • Self-initiation & self-propelling
  • Self-advocacy
  • Intuition & perception
  • Mindfulness
  • Consciousness
  • Self-awareness
  • Other awareness
  • Healthy boundaries

HOLISTIC WELLNESS

Holistic wellness is the result of development and progression of all the parts that make up our whole. The more developed and progressed these parts of ourselves are, the more emotional stability, wellness and thriving we will experience. The less developed and progressed these parts of ourselves are, the more emotional instability, mental illness and survival mode living we will experience. As we begin to recognize this and observe these patterns in our own lives, we gain personal power to slowly gain new education and implement changes that if kept consistent will contribute to radical growth and progress eventually shifting our life experience to one of emotional stability, wellness and thriving. 

We cannot go zero to one hundred though. We must be willing to accept where we are and begin our journey from where we are. What is more, we must come to understand that we only have the power to implement these choices and changes in our own lives and influence those through our example. In the current societal paradigm we are experiencing, a lot more self-teaching and personal efforts is required, but the more of us that make this courageous choice, the easier it will become for future generations and for those that are unable to engage in this work. We are the pioneers of this movement we call consciousness and the choices we make today will shape the world our children and grandchildren live in tomorrow. 

What needs, skills or tools do you have that are met and unmet? How do your unmet needs contribute to the things that you struggle with?

Much Love!

UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INTELLECTUAL UNDERSTANDING AND EMOTIONAL UNDERSTANDING

selfdiscoverly

Have you ever known about something? Like REALLY known about it? So much so that you don’t even think about whatever it is you know about? Maybe you’re a wiz at wrapping presents or playing a certain video game. Your skills are so ingrained that you feel like you use little energy or brain power to complete the task. These are examples of emotional understanding. Your skill set has reached a level where you have so much confidence, self-assurance and self-trust in your skills that you do not pause for thought on how to do the task. While intellectual understanding may seem similar the difference is that when it comes time to apply the skill to daily living, we tend to become more clumsy and less self-assured. We may start out confident, but as time goes by and we attempt to apply the skills we’ve learned, we realize that we do not know as much as we thought we knew.

Here’s a test you can take to determine whether you have an intellectual understanding on a topic or an emotional understanding. Take the test as many times as you want on different topics to get to know yourself better: (some topics to consider: relationship management, self-awareness, money management)

INTELLECTUAL UNDERSTANDING TEST

  1. Are you good at rote memorizing the topic of interest? If you read or watch enough content on this subject, do you find yourself able to recall the knowledge and engage in confident conversation on the topic? Are you able to easily pull facts that you remember on the subject?
  2. Are you able to teach the subject from an intellectual perspective meaning you can share the facts you learned with another so that they can intellectually understand it?
  3. Are you able to use the knowledge and facts to create your own content on the subject with little reference back to the material?

EMOTIONAL UNDERSTANDING TEST

  1. Are you easily able to apply the knowledge toward your own relationships, money management, wellness, etc. and get the results you seek on a long term basis?
  2. Are you able to see positive results in your life after applying the knowledge, techniques, etc. to your own life? Are you able to be consistent with this application?
  3. Are you able to trouble shoot solutions pertaining to this topic using the information you’ve acquired or do you end up getting confused or unable to conclude a solution? (In other words, would you have to watch a ton more videos to find the answer to the solution?). Emotional understanding would simply KNOW the answer with little effort.

When we emotionally understanding a topic, we can apply the knowledge to our daily living consistently. In essence, we transfer what we’ve learned to our lifestyle and live the principles daily. Since we understand the material so well, we simply KNOW what to do as problems arise. When we only intellectually understand a topic, we can recall and share about the topic, but when it comes time to apply it to daily living consistently, we have to refer back to the material, spend many hours reflecting before we know what to do, and have a lot more failed outcomes.

HOW DO YOU GAIN EMOTIONAL UNDERSTANDING?

Once we’ve acquired all that we can on a particular topic to the point that we can confidently share facts, teach on the subject and create content, we have enough understanding to begin to transfer this knowledge to our daily living. As we practice applying the information to our daily living we will begin to gain new knowledge and understanding from life’s feedback. When we apply techniques learned and they do not yield the results we seek, we can note the mistakes and failures so that we can reflect on what we think went wrong and what a better solution would be for next time. As we attempt this trial and error approach, engaging our higher order thinking skills, we will develop greater understanding and with this understanding we will build confidence with the material. Over time, we will deepen our understanding on the particular topic until we can transition from intellectual understanding to emotional understanding. Emotional understanding is only possible AFTER we’ve engaged this process for an extensive period of time. Think of intellectual understanding as your medical school training and residency and emotional understanding as your medical career. Until you apply what you’ve learned in medical school, you cannot really say whether or not you grasp the material. It’s not until we apply what we’ve intellectually learned that we determine how much we actually know.

THE HARD TOPICS

For many, it’s easy to go to medical school and do a residency. It’s easy to begin our career as a doctor, but not as easy to deal with the challenges that arise like not having answers for a patient or not being able to save a patient. It is these challenges that lead to us seeking greater knowledge and understanding to begin with. Usually, it is only after we reach a wall that we seek after true understanding. In fact, it is not until we reach a wall that we realize that we don’t possess true understanding or emotional understanding. It is from the hard topics that we begin to get a true picture of our current understanding.

3 EMOTIONAL UNDERSTANDING SKILLS TO SEE IF YOU HAVE:

  1. Emotional Identification: Are you able to feel and sense your emotions on the topic? Can you identify any fears or doubts related to the topic?
  2. Emotional management: Are you able to access healthy emotional regulation, coping and stress management skills when you get triggered on the topic? Or do you just fly off the handle or shut down?
  3. Emotional processing: Are you able to stay present in whatever emotion is triggered and allow the emotion to flow through you so that you can release it or do you resist this process and seek coping mechanisms to shut down the experience?

When we emotionally understand we are able to engage these three steps above with ease. We experience emotional freedom 24/7 and utilize this formula in our personal and professional lives without even really thinking about it which results in a joyful and peaceful experience.

RETURN ON INVESTMENT

There is no greater return on investment than emotional learning. Einstein once said that we can only understand something when we rise to the next level of consciousness. If we are unable to answer yes to all three of the emotional understanding questions in the topics of interest to us, then we lack the skills and tools we need to achieve our goals. When we make emotional understanding our priority we will begin to see the same level of return on investment as we do with retirement.

AN EMOTIONAL UNDERSTANDING EXAMPLE

I’ve been a teacher for over 30 years. I’ve taught thousands and thousands of children. I’ve worked with neurotypical and neurodivergent, disabled and non-disabled, every socioeconomic population and everything in between. What this experience has gifted me is the ability to perceive needs on an intuitive level. When I first started teaching, I had a natural ability with kids. Kids tended to like me and gravitate toward me. It wasn’t anything that I was doing or not doing, it was more just a gift or talent that I had. But early on in my career, I lacked emotional understanding on many topics such as life circumstance, special interests, and emotional maturity which affected my ability to fully reach kids in the way that I would years later.

When I was in my early twenties, I had a very old school approach to teaching. I was the one in charge and my students were expected to listen to me and do as I asked. Anytime that I had an “unruly” or “disobedient” child, I would approach my classroom management strategy with the use of consequences. I’d use time out, loss of privilege, etc. and to the untrained eye, I was perceived as an “excellent” teacher who demonstrated “exceptional” classroom management skills. I look back in horror at those early years and would classify myself as someone who was a “terrible” teacher with “poor” classroom management skills. But this is only because I’ve acquired SO much emotional education and understanding that I understand things like consciousness, will and love now and have since shifted my teaching approach to that of authentic love and radical acceptance. I now understand that every child is different with different needs, life circumstances and understanding. As such, every child must be greeted where they are and without judgment. Classroom management is not even something that I reference anymore as classroom management is nothing more than controlling the masses. Now, I create learning spaces where I present a topic to my students and accept that not everyone is going to want to engage in that topic. That means that I need to have other options available for the students who do not want to engage in that topic. Eventually, I will present topics that every student will naturally want to engage in and everyone will “learn” something. But as a teacher, my job is to educate my students and I understand that learning can only happen where organic curiosity and natural motivation are. This is why I create a learning space now where all of my students can be engaged and where there are ample opportunities for them to take breaks, rest, recharge, engage in special interests, drink, eat, play, move, etc. I emotionally understand learning, human behavior and human emotions now and this makes all the difference. While to the lookers on, my classroom continues to be “well managed,” the approach is entirely different to my early years as a teacher. I’ve gained emotional understanding on teaching and learning now. I can apply the knowledge I’ve acquired without thinking about it and yield the results I seek consistently.

AN INVITATION TO GAIN EMOTIONAL UNDERSTANDING

Are you a manager? A leader of some kind? A teacher? A parent? An influencer of youth in some way? (marketing & promotions is a youth influencer!) Are you an influencer of others in any way? If so, then consider gaining emotional understanding on the topics that are important to you. I can think of no single skill set that can catapult your career more than emotional understanding. When we can lead people with love and kindness instead of force and control, we have the capacity to use inspiration over demand and special interests as a motivator. People tend to respond much better when given choice and the use of autonomy. When we have emotional understanding of leadership, for example, we can see the needs of others, we can feel their emotional states, we can sense their desires and aspirations and we have the capacity to love without conditions. When our employee is not happy, we no longer feel upset when they give us their notice and move on to greener pastures. Instead we root for them and want them to be happy and fulfilled. Furthermore, we no longer pay our staff minimum wage to secure our own financial freedom. Instead, we see the value in our employees and feel genuine gratitude for all they do for us and our business that keeps it thriving and these genuine feelings of gratitude influence our generosity. An emotionally intelligent person is one who is aware of themselves, their emotions and their actions. With the self-insight, they have the ability to intuit others and have the emotional capacity to feel things like empathy, compassion, genuine concern for others well-being, etc. When we increase our emotional understanding of things we enrich our skill set.

WHICH CHAPTER ARE YOU ON?

Strength of character is what all of the fairytales and heroine journey stories strive to teach us. All the great sages, authors and artists of our past and present understand this which is why they are so inspired to create about it. When we become conscious of ourselves and others we come to emotionally understand the why of the heroine journey story. Each of us is a character in our own stories. The people around us are the supporting actors and actresses in our story. Where we are emotionally on our journey determines which chapter from our story we are on. The best way to reach the end of our stories is to acquire understanding in some capacity that changes who we were at the beginning of our story and gives us the skills and tools we need to achieve whatever goal it is we set for ourselves at the beginning of our story. No character ever achieves his goal absent emotional change. All characters have a plot and subplot. The subplot is where the emotional change happens which enables the character to achieve his goal (which is what fuels the plot). When we can see ourselves as the protagonist in our own story, we can no longer feel insignificant. As the hero of your story, what outer goal or plot are you seeking after and what inner achievement or subplot must you achieve to reach your outer goal?

Much Love!!