Breaking free of the cyclical trap of self-betrayal and self-sacrifice requires looking at our behaviors surrounding boundary setting.
KATE, THE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR
We’ve all been there, when we have a day mapped out. We have all the goals and objectives set, we’ve charged our batteries and we are excited to start our day and get productive. But then pretty early into the day, the first boundary challenge arrives in the form of a phone call and it’s coming from our friend, Kate who lives next door. She knows we are home. She can see our car. She’s probably even seen us moving about our house. To stay on track we begin justifying to ourselves that we are now in our bedroom with the curtains drawn. She knows our habit of going back to bed. We continue working. About twenty minutes later though, another call comes in. We let it go to voicemail. Two seconds later, a text saying, “It’s an emergency, can you please pick up?” (Now, we know Kate. She’s been our friend for years. Everything with her is an emergency. And it’s not like she doesn’t have a partner or parents or a sibling or other friends she can call in an emergency). If we pick up, she’ll instantly throw off our momentum for the day. Her “emergency” has already set off the momentum for the day, we think. Thoughts begin to pass through our mind. “What if she’s tried all the other go tos and it really is an emergency?” “What if one of her kids had an accident?” “Gracie is constantly falling off those monkey bars!” “Oh my God, what if Sammy had an allergic reaction?” And that’s it! Away we go asking Siri to “Call Kate.”
“Hello?” Kate answers sounding relieved.
“Is everything alright?”
“Yes, I was making pumpkin bread and the recipe called for three eggs and I only had two and Sammy and Gracie were so looking forward to it. But when you didn’t respond, I called Alice next door and she came to the rescue, so pumpkin bread is in the oven.”
We internally sigh. We want to say “Do you know the definition of an emergency?” Only we don’t. Instead thoughts of our goals and objectives return and we say, “Okay, I’m glad you worked It out. Let’s talk later, I’m in the middle of something.”
Kate continues. “While I have you on the phone, I wanted to read you something I got from Sammy’s teacher.” She doesn’t even pause to hear our response. And Kate is very long winded! We feel our temperature rise.
LET’S TALK BOUNDARIES
Yes, Kate is crossing a boundary. On the surface this is happening, but WE are the ones with the power to protect our boundary. If our goal is to return to our productivity, then we have to cut off Kate and stand firm in our need to go. And then we need to manage whatever emotions arise following this choice.
KATE’S REACTION TO OUR BOUNDARY
“Kate, I really cannot do this right now. I’m happy to listen later if that’s okay?”
Kate goes quiet. We can feel the tension building. She’s expecting an apology and for us to listen. We realize that we are doomed in either direction. If we cut her off, we’ll feel guilty the rest of the day and not be able to concentrate. If we stay on the phone all our energy will be drained and we won’t be able to complete our tasks.
“You know what, forget it.” Kate says. “Go do whatever is more important.” Click.
Kate’s made our decision for us. But the fear we had had for ourselves surrounding this issue is self-validated. Instantly emotions start to rise. Guilt. Shame. Fear. Frustration. We feel our energy plummeting. Our focus is gone. Our thoughts are consumed with how we could have handled that differently. We conclude that had we just not picked up the phone in the first place we wouldn’t be feeling these feelings. Or would we?
The ENTIRE reason we picked up the phone was to AVOID these feelings. Can you see now that picking up the phone or not picking up the phone is not the problem at all? The problem is in our desire to avoid the feelings connected to boundary setting! Until we understand the cause of any situation, it will be impossible to perceive the solution.
WHEN WE CAN SEE EXPERIENCES AS OPPORTUNITIES TO FEEL
When we desire our feelings we see opportunities like this as ways to trigger ourselves into feeling and challenging ourselves to gain dominion over our emotions so that we have complete autonomy over our lives and life choices. When we are on the path of self-discovery we grow to welcome these experiences because we come to understand that only understanding them and having the capacity to self-care in all situations will enable us to achieve the dreams, goals and objectives we’ve set for ourselves. We come to see experiences like this as opportunities to move obstacles and blocks standing in our way of our own progression.
EMOTIONS ARE INVITATIONS TO LEARN SOMETHING
Emotions are invitations to learn something. They are there to help us. If we allow them to teach us without resistance we will come to learn that we answer the phone, respond to the text, let others cross our boundaries because we want to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings. AND we hold a belief that engaging the task will enable us to avoid the feeling. As we can see from the Kate example, this is never the case. And when we engage in this behavior long term we develop chronic in-productivity. Emotions can be likened to an internal education system. As Gary Zukav explains it, “Class is always in session.” “We progress at our own pace in this internal education system.”
UNDERSTAND THE ROOT CAUSE OF CHRONIC FEELING AVOIDANCE
In our society, we have been conditioned to accommodate others. We’ve been taught to hold the door for others as a gesture of kindness, to let others go first, to deny our own needs in favor of meeting others needs, so naturally when the time comes to meet our own needs, we may feel some guilt, shame, discomfort because we have been conditioned to the polar opposite. Essentially we are going against the grain when we choose to self-care and set boundaries. But boundaries are the only tool we have to ascertain that our needs are met. A person with unmet needs is an off-balance person. When our needs are met our emotions, thoughts and actions are in alignment with our beliefs, values and desires. When our needs are met, it is easy to be productive. When our needs are not met, our productivity is inconsistent and unpredictable because we spend the majority of our time in survival mode.
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE & PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
When we can understand that we have no power over other people’s feelings, thoughts or actions, we can understand the concept of radical acceptance and personal responsibility. In the case of Kate, we have no control over her thoughts and feelings on the matter. We are powerless over Kate. We are not powerless over ourselves though. When we radically accept what is–that we did pick up the phone, that we are now experiencing these emotions and that it is our responsibility to feel these emotions–we begin to see and feel the work to be done to shift our outer reality so that we can have consistent, productive days. As was the case with the Kate example, we came to see that regardless of the choice made, those emotions were arising. The emotions are our teacher. They are the skills and tools we need to acquire to be able to choose differently in the future. When we make the conscious choice to take personal responsibility for our emotions and experiences we accept the work to be done to achieve the results we are after and we can begin to shift into understanding WHY we picked up the phone.
UNDERSTANDING BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are the line we draw in the sand to take care of ourselves. The boundary exists because while loving others is important, loving ourselves is EQUALLY important and when we give away all our time and energy, we lose our ability to self-care and then become dependent on others to meet our needs. In essence, when we fail to have understanding and healthy boundaries, we run the risk of becoming codependent. Codependency is sacrificing our own needs to take care of someone else’s needs. When we look at it this way, we can see how boundaries are essential to holistic health.
EASIER SAID, THAN DONE
Boundary setting is hard stuff. For our closest relationships–our relationships that we gained our conditioning from or passing down–the layers involved in this process are thick! I am not saying that boundary setting is easy because it is not. When we are in a place in our lives where we are in survival mode–living paycheck to paycheck, working over 40 hours per week, managing a home, etc–we have all we can do to keep our head above water. We do not have the time or energy to engage this work. For us, it is easier to listen to Kate and extend our productivity goals out an extra weekend than it is to deal with the hours of drama. I get it. We’ve all been there. In the beginning, the only thing we can do is take note of what’s happening. As we can see the behavior patterns, we can begin to feel them within us. We cannot go zero to one hundred with this process. Instead, we need to look at boundary setting as a longterm goal that we set for ourselves and make little changes as we are able. Like anything else, little changes will eventually add up to big changes.
CHOOSING FEELING, AN EXAMPLE
As we make the conscious choice not to engage, this is what the experience may look like in the beginning. You wake up and you make a day of you. Maybe you are going to give yourself a pedicure or complete your pile of laundry and dirty dishes. Doesn’t matter the tasks because the tasks are going to be secondary. You’ll use the tasks to cope with the practice of FEELING. So, let’s do round two of “Kate’s emergency,” with this approach. You wake up, you head to the laundry room and you get started sorting. Almost immediately the call comes in from Kate. You don’t answer. You continue to sort. Another call. You put the detergent in the washer and begin to put the towels into the washing machine. Here comes the text about the emergency. You feel the worry rising in your gut. You watch the thoughts begin to race. Doing the laundry is becoming increasingly difficult because all you can think about is poor Sammy’s face swelling. What if he’s locked himself in the bathroom with peanut butter cookies? You run to the window and look out to see Jay’s car in the driveway. He’s home. Kate has help. You turn the washer on and move to the dryer to retrieve the colored clothes. Your entire body is tense now. It’s unbearable. You listen for sirens. We are SO used to responding to our fears and anxieties rather than allowing them to flow without response.
THE TRUTH ABOUT LOVE & UNDERSTANDING INTENTIONS
Authentic Love or Unconditional Love can only exist where everything that is given is given freely and from a place of 100% choice and sincere intention. If I had felt 100% desirous to step out of my plans for the day and put Kate’s emergency first, then I would be loving Kate. However, if I only responded to Kate to manage my own emotions, then I am not unconditionally loving Kate, my intention is about avoiding my emotions. What I am doing is managing my own emotions by shutting them down (which as you can see is not managing them at all!)
AS WE CHANGE
Our friends and family may try to make us feel guilty with their words and actions when we do not respond to their requests and demands. After all, they are used to our current behavior. They expect that behavior. Depend on it! So, naturally, when something they are used to getting suddenly stops, they too are going to experience big emotions and like you, their first instinct is to shut down their own emotions which may involve projecting at you in some way including guilting. All of these behaviors happen subconsciously of course. We are not in control of how others respond. If the person is receptive, you could share what you are trying to do–how you notice behavior patterns in yourself when it comes to boundary setting and you are trying to break them in order to become more productive in your own life–and see what happens. On certain occasions this may prove helpful. 9 out of 10 times though, those most dependent on us will not easily accept our new boundaries. Consider the fact that if they did, you would not be trying to set boundaries, right?
COPING 101
The reason that we struggle setting boundaries so much is because we struggle coping. Big emotions come up and we are immediately overwhelmed. We cannot go zero to one hundred when it comes to our emotions. Shifting our mindset to feeling our emotions over immediately answering the phone is new. We must start small. Practice boundary setting in places where the emotions won’t be as intense. Maybe you get invited to a party with someone you barely know. Declining this invitation won’t have a lot of emotional charge. If you are someone who tends to say yes to everything, some emotions will likely come up, but they should be manageable and offer you opportunity to practice boundary setting to develop coping skills. As you gain understanding of feeling your own emotions, eventually you’ll be able to increase the boundaries until one day, you are entirely free of self-betrayal, self-suppression, self-sacrifice.
ALLOW, DON’T EMBRACE
When we allow our emotions, this does not mean that we embrace them. As I’ve shared in other posts, emotions are just energy flowing through us. When we allow our emotions without judgment or resistance, but instead with acceptance, what happens is the emotions just keep flowing until they move completely through us. Some emotions are bigger and take longer to flow through us, but others may only last a few minutes. As we allow our emotions to flow, we will gain insight. This insight will come in the form of greater understanding about this process, about ourselves, about why we resist boundary setting, about why we resist feeling our emotions, etc. And this new information will enable us to increase our feeling experiences. As we gain confidence with this process, we will simultaneously gain desire to practice boundary setting more as we will discover ourselves, our desires, our needs and with all of that we will begin to envision more for our lives and a belief that we can have these things!
FINAL THOUGHTS
Setting boundaries is not easy. It takes a lot of practice. We have to gain self-understanding in order to develop the skills and tools we need to be able to follow through on our boundaries. Those around us may not understand and relationships may become challenging. It’s not always as simple as setting a boundary and achieving a goal. When we understand that we are not setting a boundary to achieve a goal, but instead setting a boundary to improve our lifestyle, we also understand that we must focus our attention on processing through the emotions attached to the relationships we are struggling to set boundaries in before we can shift our attention to the goals and objectives we want to accomplish to move our own life forward.
Be kind to yourselves, Discoverlies! This is not easy stuff! I believe in you!
Much Love!!
Validation is the recognition that our feelings, thoughts and beliefs are valuable. Oftentimes we will seek validation outside ourselves
Self Discoverly 