SELF-DESIGN YOUR SELF-CARE

I used to believe that self-care was having good hygiene, a presentable appearance, plenty of sleep, good nutrition, exercise, etc. And so, when I started my self-discovery/self-care journey and someone would advise me to self-care, I would focus my attention on good hygiene, presentable appearance, nutrition, exercise, etc., but often end up feeling more exhausted than when I began. In fact, many of the self-care practices that I was doing–forcing myself to go for walks, forcing myself to eat kale and spinach–were making me quite miserable. I dreaded getting up to take that walk and began to hate eating meals. Eventually, I accepted my inability to self-care and made the choice to instead do things that interested me. And so it was that I discovered the REAL meaning of self-care!

While it is very self-caring to eat nutritiously and exercise, these activities should never be forced. When we force ourselves to do things we place expectations and pressure on ourselves which is the exact opposite of self-care. Self-care is about kindness and gentleness to self. it’s about feeling needs within us and meeting those needs. It’s recognizing when we are burned out and need to rest. It’s feeling when we are overwhelmed and calming our environment. It’s about discovering what we need separate from others and aligning our lives with this.

As we learn to listen to ourselves and feel the needs we have, we can implement these things into our daily schedules and with it soothe our emotions and feelings. As we engage this process, we begin to realize that what we are in fact doing is nurturing our inner-selves. It’s often the first time that we acquaint ourselves with this inner-self and realize that what all the psychologists are saying about us having an “inner-child” is in fact true! When we self-care, we are nurturing our inner-child. THIS is what we are doing! And so, tuning into ourselves and listening and feeling for what we need is how we become acquainted with this inner-child and how we begin the process of growing this inner-child until eventually that inner-child will integrate with our adult self and we will no longer be at the whim of swinging moods, split personalities, ebbing and flowing behaviors, etc. Instead, we will know ourselves, understand ourselves and develop the capacity to take care of ourselves in a way that will lead us to emotional freedom and infinite joy.

EXAMPLES OF SELF-CARE

Right now, I have three self-care practices that are my go-tos. I am sharing them in the event that you need examples to help you understand this concept. I should start by saying that I am neurodivergent and so these self-care practices have a lot to do with calming my sensory system (which may not be a challenge for you). First, I value order and organization. When my life and home is chaotic and disorganized, my brain doesn’t work. My brain gets so overstimulated by clutter, chaos and disorganization that I am unable to function. Any time that I am sensing overwhelm, I begin my self-care process by creating order and organization. Upon completion, my mind and body instantly feel lighter and more calm, better able to accomplish productive tasks. Next, I am prone to burnout so when I feel burnout coming on, I self-care by resting and recharging. I take a lot of breaks throughout the day which helps with this. Instead of powering through, I recognize that my energy is emptying to the place where I just need to take a break and so I will take 30 minutes to 2 hours to just rest and recharge. Sometimes I watch videos, others I do organization on my computer, I may close my eyes and take a Power Nap…the goal is to recharge. And last, writing. Ironically, a lot of what I write never makes it to publication. It’s more talking on paper. I’m a visual person and so think on paper. What I find is that it is very self-caring for me to empty my thoughts and feelings on paper which helps me to process my emotions. Only after I know what is going on with my inner-world am I able to actually find the emotion that I am feeling and process it. Using these three self-caring practices is what enables me to make the nutritious meals, to go for those walks, to maintain that hygiene. Not the other way around. And so, I discovered that self-care is figuring out my recharging system. I liken myself to a cell phone and have learned how to charge myself so that I work.

SELF-UNDERSTANDING

One of the most essential things that we need to understand about this process is that until we understand ourselves and perceive and hear what it is we need, it is impossible to design the life that we want to be living let alone achieve it. Self-care is essential to personal empowerment. And personal empowerment is essential to freedom. Until we have what we need to survive and eventually thrive, we will not have what we need to live a life of empowerment and freedom. There are hierarchies designed for a reason. If we do not have our basic needs of food, water, shelter, warmth met, then we will spend all of our time and energy chasing after these necessities. This is why in the past, we did not have the level of technological advancements that we have today. In the past, hunting, preparing and cleaning up the meals we ate took the entire day. That single feat took all our time and energy. Our past generations were exclusively working from their survival brains. But now, through technological and psychological advancements, we now understand that we can transcend this survival brain and access our higher self and this begins with self-care.

THE PROCESS

it’s a process to get from survival brain to thriving brain. Having gone through this journey and discovering the reality and realness of this is why I write these blogs. I am passionate about helping others gain insight and understanding into these truths. Everything that we want in life from emotional peace to relationship satisfaction to dream realization begins within. Until we have dominion over our inner-world, our ability to manage life in all aspects will be challenging. While we may be able to reach the professional level that we desire, our parenting or relationships may suffer. Perhaps we can reach our financial goals, but to do so requires us neglecting our parenting duties or self-care practices. The ONLY way to achieve ultimate balance in our lives is to master our own self-caring.

As we learn to self-care, we will gain understanding about other care. We will come to see love and nurturance in a whole new light. We will gain understanding of things like freedom of choice, that love and control can never exist in the same place at the same time. Where there is control, there cannot be love and where there is love there cannot be control. Only radical acceptance of what is in all situations can lead to true self-care and love. If I am empty at 9am in the morning, that is where I am. If I love myself, I will do whatever I need to do to recharge first. When we can grasp the reality of our societal paradigm and our struggle to do that and self-care we begin to feel the weight of incredible burnout that we are all facing. This is because the majority of us never learned the true meaning of self-care. So what do we do when we are here and we have all these responsibilities and obligations and we need to self-care?

START WHERE YOU ARE

Until we gain insight and understanding about what self-care is and we feel inspired enough to take the self-discovery journey, we are where we are. We may have financial responsibilities, we may have parenting responsibilities, we may have home management responsibilities….whatever the responsibilities, know that they can be changed. But first, we must UNDERSTAND. Learning is step one in the self-discovery journey. Before we can discover ourselves, we need to learn a LOT of information. I write these blogs because I know just how MUCH information there is to learn and my hope is that I can create a data base in one place where people can obtain all that information without having to do what I did and take years and years and years excavating the information from infinite sources before I could even begin my journey.

STOP FUELING THE FIRE

While you learn, stop fueling the fire. That means in every relationship, don’t give your energy to arguments. Accept what is. Don’t participate. Accept that the other person is not making the decisions that you are making right now to learn what you are learning and to self-care. The simple awareness of this can go a long way. Next, prioritize. Figure out what you can eliminate from your plate right away. I guarantee that you can find at least 5 things on your plate that you can eliminate which will give you 5 places where you can replace the time and energy you spend on those tasks to self-care in some capacity, no matter how small. Last, tune in to yourself and feel what that one thing that is happening internally is the loudest and the most urgent for you to address and calm. Maybe the loudest internal voice is financial drowning? Take your time to look at your finances. Find a strategy that works for you and list every financial responsibility, then list every cash flow source, consider your skills and tools, consider your circumstances and life variables. And with all that information, chart out what you believe is the best course of action to secure you that tiny window of self-care every day and to quiet the loudness of this financial voice. This may mean cancelling subscriptions, changing spending habits, reducing kid’s activities, lowering heat temperature, etc. When we set our minds to achieve a goal, I promise you that there are solutions. No matter how challenging our lives are, there are tiny things that we can do to soothe the inner child and simultaneously soothe the outer adult. But we have to start where we are. Starting anywhere else will only lead to failure.

BELIEVE IN YOUR ABILITIES TO DO THIS

When I first started this self-discovery/self-care journey over 10 years ago, I did not have any belief in the process. I felt absolutely hopeless in my life. I felt massively misunderstood, alone and doomed. That’s where I started this journey. I had a lot of self-harming and self-destructive behaviors, I had a codependency addiction and I had mental illness. I was a HOT mess! What is more, I had a child with disabilities that I was desperately trying to help with little support in my life. The only thing that I had back then was whatever book was in my hands. And so, I clung to those books for dear life. Survival for me was getting to the next page. And the next page became the next chapter and the next chapter became the next book until I acquired enough information and knowledge to attempt to apply some of the things that I was learning. It was a very slow process! But, I look back now and see how far I’ve come and while I am not where I want to be yet, I see that I have come SO far! I no longer have those self-harming or self-destructive behaviors, I am recovered from my codependency addiction, and aside from my neurodivergence, I have no more mental illness. (Neurodivergence is not considered a mental illness, but I have come to terms with the fact that I will always have sensory challenges and be prone to burnout for the simple fact that my neurological system is wired differently than the neurological system required to function in the societal structure we currently have).

FINAL THOUGHTS

Our behaviors inform us a lot about our lack. They inform us of our fears, our grief and our needs. When we are able to see and understand what our behaviors are trying to tell us and teach us, we begin to gain self-understanding. With self-understanding we gain the ability to self-care in a way that best supports our unique needs. The Law of Cause and Effect states that the effect can lead us to the cause. By studying the effects, we can discover the cause. Only understanding the cause can lead to emotional healing and emotional freedom which will lead to physical and financial freedom. We do not get from point A to point Z with one clean sweep. We get there one point at a time, oftentimes with detours along the way. So, I encourage you to start your self-care journey today. While it might not seem like you are doing anything or getting anywhere at first, I assure you that the first choice is the hardest! Be inspired by the acquisition of knowledge! It’s awe-inspiring!

I believe in you, Discoverlies! And I am rooting for you!

Much Love!